Fallen Duck
by Hi-I'm-New
Summary: Adam attempts to end it all. *ANGST* Redid the Dean Portman chapter
1. Bent

Note: The lyrics are from Matchbox 20's 'Bent' 

_"Ring……….ring……….ring" _

The phone was like countless other phones that Charlie had seen in his life. Small, beige and unobtrusive, while at the same time not adding anything to the room. It sounded like all the others too. Usually, it was one of Ducks, mainly Fulton or Guy. Sometimes it was Linda, Charlie's girlfriend, or a call for his mom. This time he didn't know who it was a frankly he didn't care. He didn't feel like talking to anyone and fought the urge to hurl the phone into the wall. He had just got home from the impromptu JV versus Varsity game. Needless to say JV got their asses kicked and on top of that, Charlie managed to blow up at Coach Orion and quit the team as well as school. He had also blown up at Adam, but even before that their friendship was deteriorating, ever since Adam made Varsity. Deep down Charlie had always resented the fact that Adam was better than him, hockey, school, as well as monetarily; but Charlie always pushed it aside, and was friends with Adam because he was a cool guy and great to hang out with. However, after Adam made Varsity, Charlie became more distant and deep down resented the fact that once again Adam was better than he was. 

Today, though, don't ask why, but something compelled Charlie to answer the phone, an inner instinct perhaps. Little did he know that this conversation would be unlike any he had ever had before. 

* * 

"Hello?" He answered somewhat distractedly. 

"Charlie..." 

It was his first impulse to hang up just from hearing that single word. He liked to consider himself a forgiving type, but Adam had betrayed the Ducks, or so Charlie thought, he wasn't about to forgive him so soon, if ever. 

"Yes, Adam?" Charlie sing-songed sarcastically, "What can I do for you?" 

"Just listen to me, Charlie," Adam began in an uncharacteristic beg. "You're the only one who has ever really listened to me before and I need to talk to someone. Please, listen to me." 

"Okay," Charlie began, completely focused on that weak, pleading voice on the other end of the line. Forgetting about the animosity he held towards Adam. "Talk to me, Buddy. What's going on?" 

"Everything's going on," Adam said, sounding completely overwhelmed. "My dad doesn't care about me. Its always hockey this and hockey that with him. He won't give me the time of day unless it has to do with hockey. I'm on the outs with the Ducks. You and I are fighting. Varsity wants me to be one of "them" People want this and that from me, that I never have any time for me, Adam Banks. God, I am so confused, it all hurts inside. I'm so confused, Charlie. You've just got to listen to me, please." 

Charlie opened his mouth to answer, but Adam's voice cut him off. He listened as Adam half sang/ half sobbed softly over the line, his voice stuttering as though he couldn't quite remember the words. 

*****I started out clean but I'm jaded Just falling Just breaking the skin Start bending me It's never enough 'Til I feel all your pieces Start bending me Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in***** 

Actually, the first time Charlie had heard that song, he'd thought about Adam. Adam seems to have it all but really he was nothing more than a mere hockey puppet for his father who never got to fulfill his dream of making it to the NHL due to a career ending back injury. Though he dare not speak as Adam began to talk again, his words tumbling over each other, as though he didn't have enough time to get them out. 

"God, Charlie, I can't do this any more. You don't know what it's like. I'm being pulled in different ways. I can't stand it. If I try to do something that just me, just Adam, they find some way to take me away from it. They always need me do what they want me to do. It's so tiring. I don't want to do this--" 

"I miss the Ducks," Adam began abruptly. "I remember when the team was still District Five. I would sneak away and watch you guys practice at the pond. Laughing at your lack of skills but crying at the same time because you guys were having so much fun and I wanted that. I wanted the fun, to not have to worry about winning. The day I first became a duck, I was so happy but I hid it because my dad wanted me to be a Hawk. I felt like I could finally be myself and finally have fun with hockey and I did. I had the time of my life as a Duck. Then I became friends with you. It was great Charlie; it was great. We became best friends then, Charlie ... right? Best friends?" 

"Best friends," Charlie confirmed, his voice choking a little. Why was Adam bringing all of this up? He sounded so strange. 

"Ever since I became a Duck, you guys were my friends" Adam told him with utter certainty. "We were best friends and the Ducks were my only real friends. You only wanted to be around me for me, not because I was great at hockey just because I was cool to hang with. That's all I'm good for now, hockey. People just bend me, break me however they need to and I'm going along with it because it's my job. I've forgotten how to be Adam Bank, the one who used to be friends with you. Maybe you could teach me again, but it's too late." 

"What do you mean 'it's too late'?" Charlie demanded, worry churning in his gut. 

"I'm just so tired, Charlie." Adam whispered. "Tired of being what everyone needs me to be. My dad doesn't love me. You hate me. "Who am I, Charlie?" 

* * 

"You're my friend, Adam," Charlie began desperately. "You've always been my friend, ever since you came to the team and I don't want anything to happen to you. I don't hate you, Adam. Why don't you get away from hockey for a while..." 

"There's no getting away," Adam whispered. "My dad would never forgive me, Varsity would be out to get me. It's everywhere; it's everything and it's choking me." 

"Get away from hockey," Charlie repeated desperately. "Fuck your dad, if he doesn't care for you unless it's about hockey then you don't need him. You can sure in the hell fuck Varsity. You're not one of them; you're a duck, regardless of if you play hockey. Take a break from hockey, do something else. Take some time to go find yourself, the true Adam Banks. The rest of the team and I, we'll be waiting for you if and when you decide to play again. It doesn't matter who you are to us. You're our friend and you always and forever will be." 

"Always--" Adam echoed, sounding delirious and somewhat incoherent. "Forever. Charlie forever sounds so nice." 

"Ducks till the end, Adam." Charlie managed to get out. He fought back tears, afraid of what Adam was going to say next. However, he was compelled to stay on the line. Hopefully, he could talk his friend out of this deep depression. There was silence on the other end of the line for a long, long time. 

* * 

"I took some pills, Charlie." 

"Oh, Adam! No, come on--" 

"I d-did. A whole handful. Right now, I'm lying on the bed in my dorm room and I have the phone on my shoulder. Listening to your voice. You sound so healthy buddy. You must be doin' real well, huh? I wish I were doing that nice. Just so tired of it all this." 

"Adam, let me get you some help, please. Don't end it like this!" Charlie was screaming into the receiver, feeling utterly helpless. Adam was too smart and too strong a person. He would not let this happen. He could not let this happen! 

"So tired of being twisted around like this, Charlie." Adam murmured sleepily. "Doing what everyone wants me to do. Being who everyone needs me to be." 

"Adam, don't do this, please," Charlie pleaded. "If we were ever friends... call some help okay, you've got to!" 

"I just wanna talk to you for a little while, longer." Adam said, not hearing his friend's words. "It's so nice to hear your voice again. Everything's so light now, Charlie. I can feel myself floating..." 

"Adam..." 

Then the song resumed. Only this time it was much more disjointed and barely understandable. 

*****Can you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together Yeah, you're breaking me in And this is how we will live With you and me bent...**** 

"Adam, Adam... please, man. C'mon, answer me!" 

But there was only silence. 


	2. Flashback: Los Angeles

_"Hey Banks, hurry up!" Julie called as the team was exiting the locker room. They had just defeated Germany and were all headed out to celebrate the usual way, pigging out on ice cream at Baskin Robbins and taking in a movie at multi-plex just down the street from the UCLA dorms, where they were staying. They've done this ever since defeating Trinidad Tobago at their first game. _

"I'll catch up" Adam responded as he sighed, making sure that the locker room was empty before plopping down on a stool in front of his locker. He made one final glance around the room before pulling an ace bandage out of his gym bag. 

At the Iceland game a week ago, out of anger, Olaf Sanderson smashed his hockey stick straight down on Adam's right wrist after he scored team USA's only goal. At first, Adam passed the pain off as just soreness. He figured that the next morning it would be fine. However, he woke up the next day and the pain was even more extensive than after Sanderson first hurt his wrist. He couldn't rotate it without wanting to scream out in agony. He decided against telling Coach Bombay, or Captain Blood, as the team was referring to him as, because he felt that Bombay would think he was trying to get out of practice, since the team was on two a day practices. He definitely couldn't call his father and tell him. For one thing, his dad wouldn't believe him; and for another thing, he had received a call from his dad the previous night after getting back to the dorms. Adam figured it would be another congratulatory call, telling him how much the scouts must be impressed and that it would only be time before he made it to the pros. Instead, though, he spent an hour on the phone listening to his father belittle him, that even though he did score a goal, his playing was less than perfect, it stunk. He didn't want to let the team down, especially since he was the number 2 scorer in the entire tournament, which of course his dad wasn't too thrilled with. "There is no reason that you can't be number 1" was his response to Adam telling him he was #2. Therefore, with no one to turn to, Adam hid his injury, and hoped that the pain would subside on its own. In the mean time, he wrapped his wrist after every game and practice and so far, no one has noticed. 

Just as Adam was about to wrap his wrist, a voice startled him. "Now just think how well you would play with two good wrists." It was Bombay. 

"It's just a little sore." Adam lied. 

"I should have spotted this sooner, I wasn't doing my job. I'm sorry Adam" 

"Coach, I'm fine I can play, I swear." Adam replied with a little fear setting in his voice, afraid that Bombay would bench him and he would be letting everyone down, especially his father. 

"Prove it!" Coach Bombay demanded as he picked up Adam's hockey stick and held it out to him. 

Adam stood up and went to grasp the stick with his left hand. Bombay stopped him. "No the other one." Adam groaned as he clutched the hockey stick with his right hand. "Now rotate it." 

Adam looked Bombay straight in the eye, silently pleading for him to let the issue go, before he slammed the hockey stick to the ground. 

Bombay sighed, "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to bench you." 

"No!" Adam cried. 

"Adam you could injure yourself permanently" 

Adam went on a tirade "You can't do that, I've got to play, the scouts are here watching me, this is my big chance." 

Bombay interrupted "You're young, you'll have plenty of chances, believe me." 

"But the team...my dad is counting on me." 

Bombay's face softened, though having only met Phillip Banks a few times, he could tell from those few meetings that he took Adam's hockey serious. Bombay knew how important this tournament was to Adam in order to please his father. Seeing how upset Adam was, Bombay motioned him to sit as he sat in the stool next to Adam. He knew what Adam was feeling, or so he thought, since Gordon once himself felt he had to please his father on the ice. Bombay nudged Adam in the knee forcing Adam to look up at him as he spoke "Hey, when I was a kid my dad worked a lot so when he made it to a game I wanted so bad to score a hundred goals for him. I would spend half the game a nervous wreck my stomach in knots." 

"That's how I feel." Adam interjected. Bombay nodded and continued. 

"Before he died he told me that his happiest times were watching me skate on this pond we had behind our house. He didn't need me to score a hundred goals for him. He was proud that I was his son and that I did my best. I'm sure that's how your dad feels." 

A tear slipped its way down Adam's cheek as Bombay's words sunk in, especially at his last sentence, not because it was true, but because he knew, that doing his best wasn't good enough for his father. 

"I know it is," Bombay confirmed. "now lets go get that wrist x-rayed." 

Feeling completely defeated, Adam reluctantly followed Bombay out of the locker room, dreading the talking to he was sure to get once his father found out. Connie and Julie were waiting at the end of the hallway for Adam. Both girls offered to skip the celebration and tag along, but Adam told them that it wasn't necessary. No use in dragging down their fun, on account of me, Adam thought. 

As Julie and Connie were taking off Bombay reminded them of the team's midnight curfew. Captain Blood may be gone, but he still had to maintain some authority over his players. After a quick stop by Bombay's office to pick up Adam's medical information, both Adam and Bombay headed to the UCLA medical center. 

**** 

"Well Adam, it appears to be nothing more than a mild sprain." Dr. Bueller pointed out on the x-ray despite Adam not being able to decipher it. 

"How long will I be out of action?" Adam questioned. 

Dr. Bueller adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat "If you keep it wrapped and ice it once a day, and don't put pressure on it, I say no more than a week." 

A week, if we keep playing as well as we have been, I will be able to return in time for the championship game, Adam thought to himself as the doctor led him back to the waiting area were Gordon was. 

Bombay stood as he saw the two of them walk towards him. 

"Well Adam's free to go." Dr. Bueller began handing Gordon a slip of paper. "Here is a prescription for some pain medication." He turned to Adam "You should take one when needed for any pain but no more than 3 pills a day. Good evening, Mr. Bombay...Adam, and good luck with the rest of the tournament." Dr. Bueller left them to go tend to some other patients. 

"I'm going to go get your prescription filled and you are going to go call your father." Bombay told Adam. Adam went wide-eyed and gulped. Bombay saw dread in Adam's eyes and was quick to add, "Remember what I told you, it'll be okay." Adam nodded knowing it wouldn't be. 

Gordon retreated to the pharmacy on the third floor and Adam slowly made his way to the pay phone and picked up the receiver. He paused, and juggling the phone between his ear and his shoulder, he used his one free hand to dial the operator. 

"Operator how may I help you?" the voice on the other end asked. 

It's now or nothing, Adam sighed. "Yes I would like to make a collect call to Phillip Banks in Edina Minnesota, telephone number 123-555-9876." 

The operator told him to hold as she confirmed billing of the call. "You are free to talk." 

"Dad?" 

"Adam, son, saw the game tonight you're playing was a bit sub pare tonight. I expect more out of you. You will never make it to the NHL with piss poor playing. You were not good enough tonight." Phillip firmly told his son. 

"Dad, listen, I can explain." Adam said knowing at that very second, his dad was rolling his eyes not really wanting to hear his excuses, but this time it wasn't an excuse. 

"I sprained my wrist." Even though he wasn't face to face with his father, Adam closed his eyes and tensed up waiting for the lecture he was about to get. There was a pause. 

"Adam, I'm disappointed. I want you to explain to me how you could let this happen." Phillip demanded. Adam went on to tell his dad about the whole Olaf cracking his hockey stick straight over his wrist in anger. 

"...but Dad don't worry, we are sure going to the final game and I will make sure I am playing in that game." 

Phillip sighed "I suppose that is going to have to do, you really let me down, Adam. This one stupid mistake you made may have cost you an opportunity to become the youngest pro hockey player." 

Adam couldn't believe, or rather, he could believe, what he was hearing. His dad blamed him for all this. Of course, it was his fault for hiding his injury, but could you blame him, he wouldn't wish even on his worst enemy the berating he was receiving. Tears began to form in Adam's eyes, he tried to explain himself, but Phillip cut Adam off. 

"Save it! I don't want to hear your excuses. It's not good enough. You better make sure you are in that final game!" With that said, Adam heard his dad slam down the phone, leaving him listening to a dial tone. 

"How'd it go?" Bombay asked behind him. Adam hung up the phone and blinked away his tears before turning around to face his coach. He forced a smile "You were right." 

"See, Adam, I told you." Gordon responded. 

"He wasn't upset at the fact that I'm not playing, but rather upset about me endangering myself for not telling you about my wrist sooner." 

"That's great, I mean about your dad understanding, come on lets get out of here. I decided to move back in the dorms to keep you goofballs in line," Gordon laughed, "So I'm heading over to the condo to clear out my things, I can give you a lift to the movie theater. If we hurry you'll make it in time." 

"No thanks coach, I'm kinda tired. I think I'll walk back to the dorms if that's okay." 

"Okay." Bombay agreed handing Adam his bottle of medicine, which he promptly put in his pocket. Both left the medical center and Adam walked the three blocks back to the dorms, his mind reeling about everything that happened tonight, his body feeling numb, devoid of emotion. Once back, he drudgingly climbed the three flights of stairs to team USA's floor. He opened the door to the room he shared with Jesse and Charlie and immediately sat down on his bed, placing his head in his hands, or rather hand since he couldn't put any pressure on his right one. He sat there for a few moments before sighing and getting up to change into his pajamas: a pair of sweats, and an Indiana Racers tee shirt. 

Adam downed one of his pain pills, despite not being in any pain. How could he be, he was numb. He took one in hopes that it would make him fall asleep faster, so he could escape his nightmare of a life, at least for a few hours. He pulled back the blanket and crawled in. He leaned over and flipped on his radio that was on the nightstand next to him nestled back into his bed and listened to what was playing. 

**"This is my Vietnam. I'm at war. Life keeps on dropping bombs, and I keep score. Daddy was a lunatic; he liked to push my buttons. He said I wasn't good enough, but I guess I wasn't trying...." **

Adam choked back a sob as he listened, his emotions returning full force. He leaned back over and switched off the radio. The song or at least the part he heard were so true to his life. Adam couldn't take it anymore, he curled himself into a ball under his blanket and buried his face into his pillow and proceeded to cry himself to sleep. 


	3. Nick of Time?

"Adam answer me!!!! Don't do this; you have so much to live for. Adam…" 

_If you would like to make a call please hang up the phone and try the call again, or phone your operator for assistance. _

Charlie slammed the phone down and began to pace the living room of his and his mom's apartment. Think Conway what are you going to do? Then it hit him. He rushed back to the phone and tried dialing Russ and Ken's dorm in hopes that maybe one of them would be in. They could get to Adam faster than he could. 

_"Ring…Ring…Ring…" _

No answer. Charlie dropped the phone and raced out of the apartment, not even bothering to phone Dwayne and Luis' dorm or Julie's dorm. Stopping once outside to slip on his roller blades, Charlie made a mad dash to get back to Eden Hall, a place he would rather never set foot in again, but had to in order to save his friend, his best friend. He silently prayed he would get there before it was too late. Charlie shuddered at the thought that Adam could already be dead. 

Charlie bladed past the old pond where District 5 used to practice and up towards Jackson Avenue that would take him straight to Eden Hall; guilt emitting from every part of his being. He knew that it wasn't his fault that Adam had done this, he knew that from the conversation he just had most of the blame fell on Adam's father, for always pushing Adam in hockey and getting mad when Adam didn't succeed. He assumed that Varsity shared some of the blame too. It was too much for one person to handle. Though Charlie couldn't help but feel a little responsible, I mean he was quick to drop Adam as soon as he made Varsity, and wouldn't even let Adam explain when he tried to tell Charlie he had no idea about Varsity's plan to ditch on the dinner bill, which Charlie now believed to be true. He was a bad friend and for that Charlie felt guilty. 

"Hey Charlie, wait up" a voice from somewhere behind Charlie called. He stopped for a moment and turned to see Fulton skating up towards him. Fulton, though not blowing up at Coach Orion, had also quit the team as well as school this morning after the game. 

Out of breath from skating faster than he had ever skated before Charlie huffed "Fu…Fu…Fulton we got to get to school, NOW." 

"Why what happened?" 

Charlie swallowed trying to catch his breath. "No time to explain, just come on!" 

Fulton, seeing the seriousness in Charlie's demeanor, followed him, who took off skating again. 

After about another 10 minutes of skating the two of them final reached their destination. Instead of going to the hockey arena or the freshman dorms, Charlie skated towards the Varsity dorms, reserved for players of any varsity sport. Fulton was confused, and pulled Charlie to a stop before he could enter the building. 

"Charlie what are we doing here?" Fulton asked as he scanned around hoping that there were no varsity players present, after this morning, though still fuming with them, he wasn't in the mood to start a fight. "If you are here for some sort of revenge, I don't want any part of it." Fulton turned to leave, but Charlie grabbed his arm and spun him back around forcing Fulton to look Charlie straight in the eyes. Fulton gasped as he saw tears glistening in Charlie's eyes, knowing that what ever they were doing here it wasn't for revenge but something else. Fulton asked again. "What are we doing here, what is wrong?" 

"Adam swallowed some pills. He's trying to…to…kill himself." Charlie choked, having to force himself to spit out the last part of that sentence, still not believing the conversation he had just awhile earlier. 

"Oh shit…" Fulton whispered, shocked, wide eyed. Fulton let go of Charlie and the two of them raced up three flights of stairs to their destination. Both silently wishing that there were no varsity players hanging around. 

"Which one's Adam's?" Fulton asked as the two of them slowly skated down the hallway trying to find Adam's dorm room. 

"This one" Charlie pointed to the last door on the right at the end of the hallway. Fulton looked at Charlie "How can you tell?" 

Charlie rolled his eyes and pointed to the door and pinned to the bulletin board was Adam's school ID. 

"Oh" Fulton whispered. 

Charlie grabbed the doorknob. It was locked. Charlie pounded. "Adam open up…PLEASE!" 

"Move." Fulton grunted as he rammed his shoulder straight in the door forcing it open. He wasn't one half of the bash brothers for nothing. They walked in and Charlie scanned the room and saw his friend, lying on the bed. 

"Charlie, I'll call an ambulance" Charlie didn't answer Fulton but ran to Adam's bed and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that Adam was alive but seemed to be struggling for air. 

Charlie knelt beside the bed and grasped one of Adam's hands into his own and was surprised at how cold it was. 

He listened as Fulton talked or rather stuttered to the operator. 

"Yeah, I'm at the Varsity Dorms at Eden Hall Academy…my…my friend he…he…swallowed some pills…." 

Fulton paused and called to Charlie "They need to know what he swallowed." 

Charlie thought to himself how in the hell was he supposed to know that. He glanced around and noticed an empty bottle of pills lying on the floor next to the bed. He picked it up and looked at the label. 

**_Adam Banks. Take 1 for pain, as needed. Not to exceed 3 pills a day. _**

He glanced at the date July 14th, and it clicked. 

Charlie hollered back "He swallowed pain pills from when he injured his wrist at the Junior Goodwill Games." 

Fulton resumed talking to the operator for another few minutes before hanging up the phone. "Charlie, they say we need to get Adam to throw up the pills." 

Charlie nodded and stood up releasing his grip on Adam's hand. "Get a trash can." 

Fulton grabbed the trashcan under the desk and they gathered around Adam as they took action to save their friend. "Come on," Charlie muttered, pulling Adam into a sitting position, keeping hold of Adam's shoulder. 

He didn't know who was tugging him but it didn't matter. Adam opened his eyes slightly and wheezed almost inaudibly, "No let me die," before closing them again. 

"Not so fast," Charlie replied, one hand clutching Adam on the shoulder to keep him steady. "I have never lost a friend, and you're not going to be the first," he said, opening Adam's mouth. He took a deep breath and shoved two fingers in Adam's mouth, touching his throat. 

Adam weakly opened his eyes again and pulled away "No, I wanna die." 

Charlie tried to maintain a hold of Adam, but even in his weakened state Adam squirmed away attempting to lie back on the bed, to curl up and wait for the end. 

"Fulton grab hold of him." Charlie yelled. Fulton sat next to Adam and put his right arm around Adam's waist to keep him sitting up and took his left hand and placed it firmly, but gently on Adam's chin, forcing it open. Charlie once again stuck two fingers down Adam's throat, removing them just before Fulton relaxed his grip so Adam could throw up in the provided trashcan. 

"How many did you take?" Charlie demanded, putting a hand back on Adam's shoulder. Adam began to close his eyes, and Charlie. shook him awake. "How many?" he repeated, fear setting in further. 

"Eight," Adam whispered, closing his eyes. 

"Jesus," Charlie mumbled, looking in the trashcan. 

"There's five in there," Fulton confirmed as he held Adam spellbound at Charlie's determination, but knowing that he would have done the same thing. 

"Come on," Charlie urged, opening Adam's mouth again. "Give me the rest." 

Again Charlie touched the back of Adam's throat with his fingers, pulling them out as Adam threw up the last three pills. They were mostly dissolved, though. Charlie grabbed a bottle of water that was sitting on the desk and tried to force Adam to drink some, in hopes that it would dilute the medicine. Adam tried desperately to get out of Fulton's hold, but he was too weak. Why wouldn't they let him die, finally realizing in his delirious state who was in the room. "No…." he whined as Fulton once again forced his mouth open. He swatted his arm towards Charlie and knocked the water out of his hand. 

"Dammit, Adam!" Charlie pounded his fist on the desk, not out of anger but out of frustration, out of concern, out of guilt. He sank in the chair in front of the desk and ran his hands through his hair. 

Fulton let go of Adam, but remained sitting on the bed. Adam immediately lay back on the bed and curled himself into a ball, shivering, feeling dizzy and finding it difficult to breath. Both Charlie and Fulton kept talking to Adam, forcing him to keep his eyes open. Adam kept thinking to himself, why won't they just leave me alone. 

Suddenly, Fulton turned on Adam, his concern turning to anger. He didn't know the specifics as to what caused Adam to want to kill himself, but he knew no matter what that suicide wasn't the answer. "What the hell is this about, Adam?" 

Charlie interrupted and glared over at Fulton "Not now. This isn't the time to be bringing all this up." 

Fulton didn't listen and just continued his tirade. "You are too smart and too strong of a person to do this. You're better than this. You think you can just end your life? How does that give you the right to take you life from the rest of the world, especially us? Let us help you, I know you can pull through this." He repeated once more "You're better than this." 

Tears gathered in Adam's eyes at his friend's words. Adam shook his head no, he wasn't better than this, he didn't want to pull through this, and he wanted to die. Adam struggled to speak. He breathed ridgely, "I…I… live a shell of noth… noth… nothingness. I have no other purpose besides ho..hockey. I'm empty inside. I would rather be d…d…dead." 

A tear slipped down Fulton's cheek as his anger quickly dissipated "No, Adam" he choked, "Don't say that, there is more to you than hockey. You're our friend, hockey or no hockey." 

Charlie nodded in agreement. 

The sirens of the approaching ambulance interrupted them. 

"I'll go meet the ambulance." Fulton said as he exited the room. 

"It'll be okay," Charlie whispered as he took Fulton's vacated spot on the bed. Adam allowed himself to be pulled up again, as Charlie gave him an emotional, brotherly hug, tears slowly streaming down his cheeks. Adam clung to Charlie as if his life depended on it, and it had. He burst into tears and sobbed openly into Charlie's embrace, incoherently mumbling, gasping for air "It hurts inside, I feel empty but it hurts." 

Charlie repeated again, this time with more meaning and certainty "It'll be okay." 


	4. Flashback: A Hawk Watches

_Chapter 4 Flashback: A Hawk Watches _

It was exactly 4 o'clock when Adam and the rest of the Hawks exited the Edina Community Ice Arena after another exhausting practice with coach Reilly. Most of the team lived within walking distance of the Arena since it was smack dab in the middle of the poshest, richest, and most well to do suburb of the Minneapolis/ St. Paul area. Those who didn't live within walking distance, their parents usually picked them up except for Adam, though, despite living on the outskirts of Edina, his father worked late so Adam either bladed home or caught a ride with a teammate. Today was no exception. 

"Hey Banks, " Jeffery McGill called as he climbed into his mother's Lexus. " Do you need a ride home?" 

"No thanks." Adam politely declined. Not that Adam had anything against Jeff or his family, if fact he wouldn't mid a ride home, it was December after all, which meant it was cold, but Adam had somewhere he needed to be, or rather somewhere he wanted to be. A place he went every Wednesday, "I have to go to the library to work on a project for Mrs. Darlings class." 

"Oh, okay. See ya at practice tomorrow." Jeff replied, not questioning him on the project since Adam was in all advanced classes and he was not, in fact none of the Hawks were and for that Adam was grateful, because that meant he could pull of his Wednesday plans without fail when it came to them. 

Adam watched as they drove away, and when they were completely out of seeing distance, he took off skating, book bag over one shoulder, hockey bag over the other. He wasn't really going to the library, he had lied to Jeff, but Adam couldn't tell him where he was really gong, he couldn't tell anyone, especially not his father, who would be furious if he found out where his son spent his time on Wednesdays after hockey practice. Adam skated silently for a few minutes before stopping at the corner of Jackson and LaRusso Street. He glanced at his watch, 4:07, if Adam hurried, he would be able to enjoy himself for a bit and still be able to beat his father home. Instead of skating straight on LaRusso, which would take him towards home, he turned left onto Jackson Street. 

After a few more minutes of skating, he finally reached his destination, Coopers Bridge. On the other side was Treasury Park or Trashy Park as the citizens of Edina referred to it as. Mainly because it was on the West side of town and as everyone in Edina knew those who lived on the west side were poor, had menial labor jobs, drove delapated cars, and were not as perfect as those of Edina. Adam disagreed. Adam could hear the banter of children in the background. Instead of skating up and joining the kids gathered on the pond, Adam climbed the snow-covered hill that over looked over the entire park and took a spot between the two big oak trees. He dumped both his bags down, sat on top of his book bag as to not get his bottom wet, and turned his attention back to the kids skating on the pond. 

"Hey Spazzway, nice way to screw up." one boy laughed as he watched his friend slip. 

"Yeah well my skate was untied." the other boy playfully retorted "Besides you have no reason to talk shorty." 

"I'll shorty you," the first growled with a smile as he skated towards Spazzway and knocked him down. The shorter of the two boys started lightly punching the other before another kid skated up to them, a girl. 

"Can you two cool it, you act like such children," she said rolling her eyes while trying to stifle her childlike giggles, but she didn't have any self control and burst into a fit of laughter. "Come on lets go play some hockey." 

"Why bother, we're not any good." Spazzway complained. 

"Practice makes perfect Charlie." the girl responded. 

"And how would you know, Connie?" the first, shorter boy asked. 

Connie elbowed him in his side "Because, Peter, I'm practically perfect in ever way." she haughtily replied snubbing her nose at her friends. 

"Yeah right and I'm the heir to the British monarchy. ' Sides no matter how much Charlie practices he'll still always be Spazzway." 

"Shut up Peter." Charlie and Connie both yelled at the same time as the three of the skated to the rest of their friends. 

Adam sighed as he watched the group of kids attempt to play a pick up game of hockey, and laughed like he did every Wednesday. He laughed at their lack of skills. He laughed at their National Enquirer shin pads, heck he even laughed at the one boy wearing an old football helmet instead of a standard hockey helmet. Most importantly he laughed at the good time they were having despite sucking terriably. I mean come on their goalie was at that very moment was complaining about getting hit with the puck. He heard Charlie groan. 

"Goldberg you're a goalie, the puck is supposed to hit you." 

The goalie, Goldberg, whined "Does that sound stupid to anyone else." 

Adam laughed at this and dwelled on their fun which made his laughter turn to sadness. He didn't have any friends other than the Hawks, and their idea of fun was rigourous hockey practice, not the informality of a group of kids playing a pick up game just for fun, not for competition. He wished he could have fun, but fun didn't figure into the equation of the life of Adam Banks. He was lucky if he was able to find time to read a comic book, or play video games, you know something other than hockey. He couldn't honestly remember last time he genuinely did something fun and enjoyable. Yes he could, it was back when he was nine, back before April 19th**. Back before life just wasn't fun anymore. That was the last time he remembered having fun without having to have it vicariously through a group of kids he didn't even know. Adam felt a wetness on his face. He brought his hand up and wiped his eyes, he was crying and didn't realize he was. It was nothing new. He cried every Wednesday about this time. God Adam you are such a baby, he thought to himself as he swallowed the lump in his throat. He watched the kids play a little while longer before deciding to head home. Adam got up and grabbed his bags and turned once more to look at the pond when he noticed a limo pulling up on the ice. What in the world is going on, Adam wondered. He debated whether or not to stay and see what it was, he decided not to, he needed to get home before his dad. Adam left. 

********** 

Adam skated up his street but paused when he saw his dad pull into the driveway. Great, he thought to himself, dad has never bought any of my lies; I'm in deep shit now. He took a deep shuddering breath "Well Adam there's a first time for everything, and if he doesn't buy my lie, then I will just have to face the music." He whispered to himself. 

He skated up the driveway as his dad was getting out of the car. "Adam, why in the world are you just now getting home?" Phillip questioned. 

It's now or never Adam, he thought before speaking. "I had a project to work on at the library." Adam responded using the same lie, he used on Larson. 

Phillip glared at his son, "And how long have you known about this?" Adam knew what his father was doing. He was trying to catch him in a lie. Adam was prepared, because it wasn't a total lie, he did have a project to work on. The lie fell on his whereabouts this afternoon. "Mrs. Darlings assigned it today, and I felt it would be best to get a head start. You know, dad, put my best foot forward." Next to hockey, school fell in at number 2 on the most important things for Adam to succeed in, according to Phillip. Anything less than an A was unacceptable, so it was no wonder that Adam was in all advanced classes. Even without his dad's pressure, Adam felt confident in his own intellect and would probably be in advanced classes anyway. 

"And may I ask pray tell what this assignment entails?" 

"Dad, we are researching great literary authors. I have to do mine on Homer." 

Adam followed his dad in the house. "Ahh, I see, good job, Son, now why don't you go upstairs, take a shower, finish your homework, and I'll cook us some dinner and then you can tell me about hockey practice." 

Adam nodded heading upstairs towards his bedroom, mentally breathing a sigh of relief. He actually did it; he was able to pull a lie over on his father. 

*********************** 

Okay before you review keep this in mind. You probably have question about April 19th, don't worry it will be explained eventually in a later chapter. 


	5. Dorm Ducks and The Hospital

I guess I am to judgmental when it comes to my writing. I always says it sucks but no one ever agrees with me. Either you guys are being nice and not telling me the truth or you really think my writing is decent. Anycrap here's another chapter that sucks in my opinion. *lol* Enjoy! 

********************* 

"Man I can't move" Russ whined as he, Julie, Luis, Dwayne, and Ken trudged their way back to the freshman dorms after hockey practice. "It's bad enough that we had to skate 20 laps this morning, after our butt whooping, but 50 at practice, man that was brutal." 

Julie spoke from behind Russ "Come on, how do you think I feel, I wear way more gear than you, and you don't see me complaining. Besides you're almost to your room, and its Friday after all, so you can curl up in you bed and sleep the weekend away." 

"Says you 'Cat Lady' I have that report on Shakespeare due in Ms. Simpson's class on Monday. I'll be lucky if I get any sleep at all" 

"You should have started it earlier, I mean she told us a month ago." interjected the twangy, country voice, undoubtfully belonging to Dwayne. 

"No one asked for your opinion Cowboy," laughed Russ. "But seeing as you obviously have your report done, you wouldn't mind me copying it." Before Dwayne could answer Russ, Ken interrupted them. 

"Hey guys, there's an ambulance over towards the Varsity dorm, I wonder what's going on." 

The five of them stopped for a moment and looked over at the Varsity Building. 

"Hopefully one of the Varsity jerks keeled over and died." piped Luis. 

"Man, we could only be so lucky," replied Julie. 

"Should we go check it out?" Ken asked. 

"What and risk another butt whooping, no thanks." huffed Russ. "Come on lets go dump our stuff and grab some dinner." Ken shrugged, took one final look over at the building before following his friends who had started walking again towards their dorms. 

****** 

Both boys watched numbly as the paramedics loaded their friend, their fellow Duck into the ambulance. Mentally, they, Charlie especially, were beating themselves up for not being better friends, for dropping Adam because he was no longer part of their team. Fulton and Charlie looked at each other, neither saying a word, but knowing what the other was thinking, how bad was it that he felt the only release was to try to take his own life. 

One of the paramedics shook them from their thoughts as she began to speak to them. "Would one of you like to ride along?" she asked. Fulton pushed Charlie towards the ambulance and blatently, devoid of emotion, somber really, he responded "You go Charlie, I'll meet you there." 

Charlie nodded and hastily wiped a tear that somehow escaped his eye, before climbing in the passenger seat. Fulton watched as the ambulance sped off towards Gateway Memorial Hospital. He sighed as it disappeared from sight, like Charlie, Fulton wiped his tears before skating off towards the hospital. 

********* 

After dumping their bags in their rooms, and after each had taken a quick shower, the dorm worthy ducks headed to the dining hall for dinner. 

"Man with how rich and snooty this school is, you would think they could provide us with better food than this piece of garbage." Russ complained as he stabbed his fork into what appeared to be meatloaf but he wasn't so sure. 

Ken rolled his eyes "Man, Russ is that all you know how to do is complain?" 

"Damn straight, and I'm mighty good at it too." 

The rest of the table just groaned in response. Dwayne changed the subject. "Can y'all believe that Charlie and Fulton just up and quit the team? You'd think they'd at least stay in school, but they weren't in class either." 

Julie was quick to respond, "To hell with them." she grumbled. The four guys turned and looked at Julie, all shocked. Julie was one not to normally get angry, let alone cuss, they watched and listened as she continued her tirade. "To hell with them, so what if Bombay ain't our coach anymore, big freaking deal. They need to learn to get over stupid shit like that. All five of us had to give up original teams, original coaches to better our hockey careers and you don't see us complaining." Ken attempted to interject that he was technically a professional figure skater before the Junior Goodwill games and that competing there and coming to Eden Hall was a step down for him, but Julie just glared at him and he shut up before he could even get one word out. "I mean I gave up a great state winning team to show my country what I could do, and for what, five minutes of action at the very end of the final game. Afterwards did I go back? No, I came here to better my education and my hockey. When will they grow up and realize they can't have things stay the same forever and that things can't always be how they want them." 

The four guys looked at each other and Russ was the only brave one to finally interrupt Julie from her mass hysteria. "Ohhh...looks like someone gots a 'tude." he joked. Ken, Luis, and Dwayne just gulped waiting for her to get angry again and start going off on Russ. Julie's face softened and as quickly as the angry entered her is how quickly it left her. "I'm sorry guys, its just sometimes, they, especially Charlie can be so self absorbed. To throw away their hockey and their education because they dislike Coach Orion is plain stupid. I'm just trying to look out for my friends, ya know." The rest nodded in agreement and attempted to finish there so called dinner but found that they couldn't. 

"Well lookie what we have here, it's a bunch of looser ducks" All five ducks turned to see the source of the voice and all groaned as they saw Cole and Reily walk up to their table. None of them was in the mood to confront any of the varsity goons. Russ rolled his eyes. 

"Look it's the hog tied retard," retorted Russ. 

"Ha...Ha...FUNNY...SHUT UP." 

"Oooh.. good come back. Did it hurt?" Russ snickered. 

"Okay where is he?" Demanded Rick looking at the four guys at the table, purposely ignoring Julie. It was common knowledge that though Rick and Cole disliked all the ducks they especially hated Julie and Connie. As Cole liked to say, girls have no place in a hockey ring. Julie just likes to think that he was jealous that she was a better goalie than he was. 

"Where's who?" questioned Julie. 

"No one asked you babe." Cole replied nastily. 

"Her name's Julie not babe." laughed the rest of the ducks. Both Reily and Cole looked confused at the obvious inside joke. 

"Adam, you idiots, where's Adam?" 

"How would we know, he's one of you now." 

"Well he didn't show up for practice. So where is he?" 

"He was probably smart enough to get the hell away from you. Hell, we don't know and we frankly don't care. He's a traitor." 

Julie interjected her two cents, regardless of if she was called babe again. "Come to think of it Adam wasn't in any classes today either." Julie, like Adam, was in all advance classes. She also didn't think Adam was a traitor and even though she helped turn the varsity locker room into a winter ice land she was quite upset at the way that the other Ducks were treating him but kept it to herself. 

Having enough of Varsity to last a lifetime and remembering what Coach Orion told them, Ken stood up. "Come on guys lets go." 

************** 

Charlie leaned back in the hard plastic, uncomfortable chair of the hospital waiting room, resting the top of his head on the wall, he sighed and closed his eyes. Not a moment later he felt, or rather heard someone plop down in the seat next to him. He didn't bother to look to see who it was, because he already knew. "Hey Fulton" 

"Hey Charlie, any word on Adam?" 

Charlie sat up and turned to look over at his friend. "No, I heard the paramedics talking to the doctors when we got here and they said that even though the pills were expunged they would still have to pump his stomach." 

Fulton's mind was a whirl he had so many questions that he wanted answered. He didn't know and he didn't care whether Charlie knew the answers or not, Fulton needed to ask them anyway, to get them off his chest. "Charlie, why would Adam want to do something like this, to try and kill himself? If things were going bad for him, if he was depressed or something, why didn't he just come to us? I thought we were all supposed to be friends? We would have helped him." Fulton was referring not just to him and Charlie, but all the ducks as well. 

Charlie shifted uncomfortably in his seat, he didn't answer Fulton's first question, because though his conversation with Adam was still fresh in his mind and would eventually be told; Charlie felt it wasn't his place to tell, not yet anyway. Charlie sighed again, and began to speak, answering the remainder of Fulton's questions. "Friends," he huffed, "some friends we are, Fulton, we screwed up." 

"What do you mean screwed up?" Fulton asked his attention fully on Charlie. 

"Fulton, none of us was being good friends. We were quick to drop Adam as soon as he made Varsity. He didn't come to us, because he probably felt we wouldn't care, or wouldn't believe him. I was the worst one, Adam is my best friend, and I let him down. God I let him down." Charlie was on the verge of tears again. 

"Charlie don't beat yourself up over this." 

"I can't help it. I mean he told me just this morning that he had nothing to do with the whole dinner fiasco last night, and guess what I didn't believe him. I was angry and I insulted him. I made it a point to rough him up. I was being an asshole, and now my best friend is lying in the hospital, all partly due to me being an asshole. I can't help but feel partly responsible." 

"Excuse me," a voice called. Fulton and Charlie looked to see two bodies walking towards them. The voice introduced himself as Doctor Kirkpatrick and he pointed to the woman standing next to him and introduced her as Doctor Bombay. "Are you the two who found Adam Banks?" 

"We are." Fulton replied. Charlie nodded in agreement. 

"How's Adam?" Questioned Charlie. 

"Well, I would rather we wait for his father to get here before divulging any information." Dr. Kirkpatrick responded 

Charlie panicked, and looked visibly shaken. "You called his father, you mustn't, you can't, and his dad is the main reason we are where we are." 

Dr. Bombay looked at Charlie inquisitively and was about to ask him what he meant by that, but a nurse interrupted them and announced that Phillip Banks was here pointing to a man behind her. 

"Ahh..Mr. Banks, have a seat." Dr. Kirkpatrick said, pointing to an empty chair. 

"No I rather stand, thank you." Phillip began almost kind of angrily, "You said that my son was brought here. Why? What happened?" 

Dr. Kirkpatrick answered, "We pumped your son's stomach, he was having some trouble breathing so we hooked him up to some oxygen. Your son is lucky to be alive," he pointed to Charlie and Fulton "He's lucky that these two found him and got him to throw up the pills." 

"Pump his stomach? Pills? What in the hell happened?" 

Dr. Kirkpatrick apologized and softly told the man "Oh, we're sorry Mr. Banks I should have mentioned it first. We have reason to believe that your son tried to commit suicide by overdosing on pain killers." It was always hard to tell a parent that your child was hurt but it was even harder to tell them that their child inflicted it themselves. 

Dr. Bombay asked him, "Has your son been depressed lately or is anything going on in his life that would cause him to want to take his life." 

Phillip got angry with this "My son would never try to take his life, I raised him better than that, this has to be some sort of mistake." 

"Well until Adam truthfully tells us different, that what we are going on. Would you like to see your son, he should be waking up soon." 

Phillip nodded and followed Dr. Kirkpatrick out of the room. Dr. Bombay turned her attention onto Charlie and Fulton. She sat down and looked at Charlie before speaking "What do you mean that Mr. Banks is the reason that Adam is where he is?" 

Charlie gulped and looked at Fulton, who had an inquisitive look on his face and then at Dr. Bombay. "Well...I...I..uh...." he stuttered and sighed composing his thoughts trying to keep his feelings intact but finding it difficult. 

"Charlie what did Adam say when he called you?" Fulton persuaded. 

Charlie sucked in a shaky breath as a tear made its salty way down his cheek. "Adam said no one cares for him unless its about hockey, especially his father. He says he feels empty, and that he's tired of being used." Charlie's voice was soft and somber as he shifted uncomfortably again in his chair. 

See that he was uncomfortable Dr. Bombay spoke. "Come on let's go to my office and we can continue this talk in private." 

******************** 

Crappy stopping point I know, but I didn't want to drone on and on in one chapter. 


	6. Flashback: First Day of High School

AUTHORS NOTE! Yeah it took me all summer to come up with a chapter. *grins* Well I can explain. I've been busy with work and the classes I was taking over the summer and mostly I just didn't feel like writing. To me writing is an escape from stress and since I wasn't stressed I didn't feel the need to write, but that is all going to change because the fall sememster starts Monday. 

I was nice and split this chapter into 2 parts because this chapter ended up being 12 pages in Microsoft Word and there was just nothing I wanted to cut out. I am still editing part 2 of this chapter and it should be posted sometime tomorrow night. 

Please be kind and review and let me know what you think. Oh and if you know the name of the Varsity Coach I need it. THANKS *grins* 

ENJOY!!!! 

_Flashback: I Made Varsity? Part 1 _

**"WAKE UP MINNEAPOLIS/ST. PAUL!!! THIS IS YOUR WILD MAN, CRAZY DAN WITH INTERN, DUDE HERE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL MONDAY. UP TO BAT, THIS MORNING, WE TALK WITH THE BAND WEEZER, WHO STOP BY TO DISCUSS THEIR NEW ALBUM AND TO GIVE OUT FRONT ROW SEATS TO THEIR SHOW TONIGHT AT THE EGYPTIAN ROOM. PLUS THE MONDAY MORNING WHEEL OF CONFESSION, WHERE YOU COULD WIN $500; BUT FIRST HERE IS THE LATEST SINGLE FROM CREED, ONE LAST BREATH, HERE ON X103. **

PLEASE COME NOW I THINK I'M FALLING; I'M HOLDING ON TO ALL I THINK IS SAFE. IT SEEMS I FOUND THE ROAD TO NOWHERE, AND I'M TRYING TO ESCAPE…." 

Adam groaned and quickly rolled over to shut off his alarm. It was bad enough that he had to get up at 6 am for the first day of school, but having to listen to another damned Creed song was pure torture. He lay back down and stared blankly at the ceiling. "The first day of high school," he sighed, "What could be better than that." Of course, Adam was being sarcastic, he could think of a million things better than starting a new school. It wasn't the classes and homework that he was worried about. In fact, it was far from it. Though it may sound geeky, Adam enjoyed learning and studying, especially literature and English. It gave him a chance to escape his dismal, drab life, even if it was for just a moment. Give him a good book or an empty journal to write in over a hockey stick any old day and he would be a content person. Just don't tell his father that. Just like anybody starting a new school, he was worried about not fitting in, despite being just as rich, if not richer, than the rest of the students, worried about not making any friends. Sure, he had the Ducks, but being in advanced classes put him at a disadvantage, no possible way of being in any classes with his friends, well that wasn't totally true. Julie emailed him last week to let him know she too was in advanced classes. It eased his mind a bit, but there was always that possibility that they wouldn't get the same classes at the same time. 

Adam was jarred from his thoughts, when he heard a knock on his bedroom door. Had to be his father, since it was just the two of them living in the house. 

"I'm up…I'm up…" Adam yelled towards the closed door as he sat up in bed rubbing the sleep from his still tired eyes. His door opened and his dad stuck his head in already dressed for work, after injuring his back in college, shattering his hopes of becoming a NHL superstar, Phillip took a job as a financial officer and was now the chief executive officer of Foley Financial, the number 1 Financial firm in the Midwest and the #7 nation wide. Which explained the nice house, clothes, and why he was considered a "prep". 

Phillip smiled a rarity in the Banks' household. "Come on son, early bird gets the worm," He beamed as he shut the door leaving it open just a crack so he could hear whether Adam was getting ready or not. 

"Early bird, gets the worm," Adam snidely mimicked to himself, finally dragging himself out of bed and heading to his bathroom. "Gee, dad," he thought to himself, "Why in the hell are you so chipper?" 

After a nice cool shower, a quick brush of his hair and teeth, Adam changed into what he felt was decent enough clothes for the day: a pair of khaki cargo shorts, a green polo shirt and leather sandals. To finish his ensemble, a hemp necklace that Jesse gave him before heading off to Military School in Maryland. Making sure to grab his book bag and roller blades, Adam bounded out of his room to head downstairs to grab a bite to eat before leaving for the day. 

"Might as well get this dreaded day over with, Adam" he sighed. Despite the business of any first day of school, Adam also had hockey practice, a condition of the scholarships that he and his fellow ducks agreed to in order to attend Eden Hall. He hadn't wanted to attend Eden Hall, he would have been happy attending Emerson High School, the local public high school. Besides not having a hockey team, a big plus in Adam's book, Emerson is the top college preparatory high school in the state with 92% of all graduates attending a top 10 University. 

However, he was stuck attending Eden Hall so he wouldn't let his team and most importantly his father down and was too afraid to make his feelings known. He was torn between his own happiness, if he could even remember what it felt like to be truly happy, and the loyalty he had towards his friends and family. 

Adam walked into the kitchen to the smell of bacon sizzling on the stove and his dad scrambling some eggs. Adam scrunched his face in confusion. Usually, on the weekdays, breakfast consisted of coffee and toast for his dad and either pop tarts or corn flakes for himself. Before Adam had a chance to question, the sudden urge in Phillip to cook breakfast on a day that was not a Saturday or Sunday, his dad beamed "Breakfast is almost ready, you need a nice home cooked breakfast on a big day like today. Adam shook his head and rolled his eyes. Only Phillip Banks could get excited on day like today, and why he was so excited about him starting high school was a mystery to Adam. Phillip turned to look at his son, giving him the once over and frowning. "Is that what you plan on wearing to school?" Adam just reached over his father and grabbed a piece of toast shrugging, "What's wrong with this" he asked with his mouth full. 

Phillip put down the spatula he was using to scramble the eggs and replied in the usual Phillip Banks condescending tone, "A. you know better than to talk with your mouth full and B. you are attending a prestigious private high school you need to dress like you have some class and are not just some hoodlum on the street. Now please go change into something more fitting before your food gets cold." 

Adam knew better than to argue with his father and made his way back upstairs to change into something "more fitting", as Phillip put it. Settling on a pair of beige slacks, a striped button up shirt, navy vest, tie, and his brown loafers he trudged his way back downstairs to the kitchen where his dad was already chewing away at his breakfast while reading the morning paper. Phillip glanced up momentarily from his paper and nodded his approval of Adam's change of clothes. Adam took a seat across from his father and took a long drink of his orange juice before plowing into his eggs, glancing every few moments at the clock, Charlie and Fulton were do to meet him at 7:30 along with the rest of the in town Ducks so they could blade together into Eden Hall. "Ducks fly together" as Charlie always said. 

At precisely 7:30 the doorbell to the Banks' household sounded alerting to Adam that his friends where here. Adam quickly bolted from his seat and down the hall to the front door grabbing his book bag, blades, and helmet before being stopped by his father who had followed him. "Now, you have a good day at school, and a good day at practice." Phillip winked at Adam with a sly grin, his arrogance disappearing again, even if just for a moment, as Adam opened the front door and slipped outside to his waiting friends. 

Sitting down on the front stoop, Adam slipped on his blades and without saying a word motioned to his friends to come on. 

"Hey Banks nice tie." Guy laughed. 

"Shove it cake-eater." Adam retorted, using the nickname usually reserved for him, one that he hated, but right now, he didn't really care. After the weird morning he's had so far, Adam wasn't really in the mood to deal with the duck's antics. 

Charlie skated up to Adam and softly, as so only Adam could here him, asked "Hey Banksie," Adam winced, another nickname he hated, his name was Adam, not cake-eater, not Banksie, and definitely not 'my little champion' as his dad always called him when he was younger. Adam turned to acknowledge Charlie, before turning his attention back to watching where he was skating. 

"Hey Banksie," Charlie began again, "What's with the 'tude?" 

"Aww, nothing, man, my dad was just acting weird this morning, it has me kind of off wack." 

"Understandable." Charlie didn't press Adam any further. Despite being best friends, Charlie knew that Adam was apprehensive about sharing his personal feelings; he wasn't really one to talk about what was going on in his mind, especially if it pertained to his family. Adam told Charlie that it was a guy thing and he didn't feel comfortable, though Charlie thought that to be a stupid reason, because he as well as the other guys didn't have a problem saying what was on their mind. What Adam would share, Charlie figured was not half of what was going on. Charlie knew that Phillip was a demanding man and took his son's hockey and education seriously, but he passed it off as a concerned parent, since his mother was the same way, just with a laugh and a smile. 

A short skate and an incident between Goldberg and his lack of skating skills later, the group of hockey playing friends arrived at their new home away from home for the next four years: Eden Hall Academy. The group looked at the school and its sprawling acres with awe. Despite just being on campus yesterday to sign their scholarships and to register, the looks on their faces made it seem as they were seeing the school for the first time. 

Taking charge like always, Charlie took in a breath before speaking. "Well, Ducks this is it, our future among the preps. Time to meet our destiny, blah...blah...blah..." 

The rest of the Ducks laughed at Charlie's statement as they followed him to the auditorium to pick up their class schedules. 

***** 

Adam walked into his first class, Advanced Algebra, and relieved to see that he had Julie in at least one of his classes. She was sitting in the back row looking over her school schedule oblivious to her surroundings. He went and took a seat next to her and grabbed her schedule from her hand causing her to jump back in surprise. She looked over to see who took it and smiled when she saw it was Adam. 

"So Adam, how many classes do we have together?" she asked. 

Adam quickly glanced over the paper before replying and handing her schedule back to her "All of them except last period when you have French and I have Spanish" 

"That's good, I was worried that we wouldn't have any together" 

Adam nodded in agreement just as the bell rang to signal the start of first period. Him and Julie both turned their attention to the front of the class as they watched a middle aged woman with black hair in a bun and a mole on her upper cheek walk into the room. Her loud, stern voice boomed throughout the room as she spoke. 

"Welcome to Advanced Algebra, I am Ms. Henderson; reach underneath your seats and you will find your textbook. We will be covering a chapter a week with a quiz on Wednesday and a test on Friday. Now open your books to chapter one section one and let us begin" 

Adam grabbed his book and opened it to the desired page. He looked over it and groaned, not because the work looked too difficult, no rather, because it was stuff he had done this time last year in his Advanced Pre-Algebra class in eighth grade. 

"Yeah Eden Hall is on the cutting edge of high quality education" he mumbled sarcastically to himself. 

He didn't realize he that he had spoken that loud until Ms. Henderson walked up to his desk and slammed his book shut. 

"Problem young man?" 

"Yes...I mean.. no ma'am." Adam stuttered face turning red as the whole class looked towards him. 

"To the front of the class with you, now" Ms. Henderson ordered. Adam obliged and followed her to the front of the class. The rest of the class giggled, minus Julie of course, who looked towards Adam sympathetically. 

"Silence, class!" barked Ms. Henderson turning her attention back to Adam. "Insolence will not be tolerated in this class. What is your name young man?" 

"Adam Banks" he whispered as he lowered his head in embarrassment for being called out like this in front of a class full of people he didn't know. 

"Speak up boy, I can't hear you." 

Adam lifted his head and cleared his throat before speaking again. "Adam Banks, ma'am." 

"Now Mr. Banks, I heard you mumbling about some sarcasm about the quality education here at Eden Hall. Explain yourself." 

"Ma'am if this is supposed to be Advanced Algebra then how come looking over chapter one it is exactly what I learned this time last year in the eighth grade?" 

"Oh so we have a smarty pants among the bunch? Well Mr. Smarty Pants figure this one out." 

Ms. Henderson picked up a piece of chalk and wrote an equation on the board before handing the chalk to Adam. He looked over at the equation and though it wasn't something he saw covered in the first chapter it was an equation he knew how to solve. 

**2x^2-2x-12=0 **

Adam scribbled his work and answer to the problem in less than two minutes and placed the chalk back in the ledge of the blackboard. He turned to look at the teacher smugly knowing that the answer was right. 

**

2(x^2-x-6)=0  
2(x+2)(x-3)=0  
2 does not equal 0  
x+2=0  
x=-2  
x-3=0  
x=3

**

"Take your seat Adam Showoff." Ms. Henderson retorted, "Just for that the whole class will have double the homework night." 

The rest of the class groaned as Adam made his way back to his seat, some giving him evil looks as he sat back down. 

"Now for those of you who do not know as much as Mr. Einstein here let us begin today's lesson" 

Already not even through one class period and Adam felt like crying. He felt like bolting the school and never returning. He hated his life. 

******** 


	7. Calling All Ducks

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Is it just me or has anybody else been having trouble logging onto fanfiction.net. This is the first time since late Wednesday night that I've been able to access the page. Hmm any ol' crap, I said that "I Made Varsity" has two parts. Well don't worry it does. But this chapter came to me tonight, or I guess make that Friday night, while I was sitting at work. So techincally "I Made Varsity" has two parts but the first part is being renamed and the second part is being posted after this chapter, after I rework it a bit. As usual enjoy the chapter and please be kind and leave a review. Oh and if you can come up with a name for this chapter please let me know I have no idea what to call it. *lol*  
  
********************  
  
"Like I already told you, Mr. Banks, we had to pump your son's stomach to expunge the rest of the medicine from Adam's system." Dr. Kirkpatrick had escorted Phillip to Adam's room and the two men where standing outside looking in on him through the window as they spoke.  
  
"How many pills did Adam 'supposedly' swallow?" Phillip nastily inquired. He wouldn't believe for a second that his son would do something as stupid as to try to commit suicide. Once Adam woke, Phillip would prove this doctor wrong, who, in Phillips mind, was defaming the Banks' good name, with this ludicrous story. However, a small part of Phillip couldn't help but think it could be true, why else would Adam be lying here in the hospital.  
  
"According to the paramedics that brought him in, he had swallowed 8 pills and according to the pill bottle each pill contained 700 milligrams, so we are talking about 5600 milligrams here. If, it wasn't for your son's friends..."  
  
"Charlie and Fulton" Phillip finished for the doctor having to fight the urge to flinch at their names. Everyone on the Ducks knew that Phillip Banks wanted nothing to do with them and fought so hard to keep his son a Hawk instead of playing for the Ducks as he was supposed to. It wasn't until Adam and the rest of the team won the Junior Goodwill Games that he finally accepted the Ducks as a part of Adam's life.  
  
"Yes Charlie and Fulton." Dr. Kirkpatrick confirmed, "If it were not for them finding Adam and getting him to throw up the pills, your son would be dead right now."  
  
Phillip just stood there frozen as the doctor's last words hung over his head as he watched Adam and how helpless he looked in his unconscious state hooked up to a respirator to help him breath. In the back of Phillip's mind he worried as to what would happen if his friends and colleagues found out about all this; but he shook the thought from his mind, since it really could not be true that his son, his 15 year- old son, tried to take his own life. Could it?  
  
*******************************  
  
"Now Charlie," Dr. Bombay began as she shut the door to her office and motioned him to take a seat on the couch. Fulton had gone to rally the other Ducks, at Charlie's request. He was glad to do so, since Ducks fly together, especially at a time like this. "You said Adam feels as if no one cares for him unless it deals with hockey, and that he feels empty and used; please, could you tell me anything else and elaborate if you can."  
  
Charlie hesitated. Charlie and Adam's conversation, regardless of the circumstances surrounding it, was the first time Adam really let Charlie in on his personal feelings. Charlie had already let Adam down as a friend and he felt that divulging Adam's personal confessions would just be letting him down again. Who was he to publicize Adam's innermost thoughts especially to a complete stranger? Besides, he had already opened his big mouth and said more than he intended too.  
  
Charlie bowed his head and looked down at his feet. He shook his head no.  
  
"Charlie, I know Adam may have told you what you may feel as pretty personal stuff, and that you feel that it is your job, as his friend, to protect him."  
  
Charlie nodded in agreement and listened as the doctor continued. "I know you are trying to be a good friend and I respect that. However, by not telling me what Adam told you, it would only hurt him because I will not be able to give him the proper help that he deserves."  
  
Charlie relented. He sighed and looked up at Dr. Bombay before taking a deep breath and recanting a conversation, he would never forget. He told her everything from how his father won't give him the time of day unless it's about hockey to how Adam feels he can't do anything that is 'just Adam' without someone taking him away from it. Charlie even told her how he felt partially responsible for Adam's suicide attempt since he was quick to drop Adam after he made Varsity.  
  
"He probably felt that I was only his friend because he was good at hockey since I was so quick to drop him after he was no longer a part of our team. I didn't mean to hurt him, and I did. Maybe if I was there for him I would have seen it coming and gotten him help before it resulted in him trying to kill himself."  
  
Charlie felt wetness on his face and realized he was crying again. He blushed and mumbled thanks as Dr. Bombay handed him some Kleenex.  
  
Dr. Bombay, who was now sitting in the chair caddy cornered to the couch, patted Charlie on the knee and smiled at him.  
  
"Charlie we all make mistakes weather we mean to or not. You did not mean to hurt Adam, but you did. Adam, though obviously I have not spoken with yet, has a problem expressing how he feels deep down and even if you had not 'dropped' him, as you say, I can guarantee, through my experience as a psychologist, that you still probably would not have known anything was wrong. He still would have attempted suicide. Do not beat yourself up over this. Redeem yourself and be there for him now, when he needs you the most. It is going to be a long bumpy road and he is going to need good caring friends like yourself to help him through this difficult time."  
  
Dr. Bombay was right and what she said made sense. Even if Charlie hadn't let their friendship go sour over the stupid Varsity team, in all actuality Charlie still wouldn't have seen this entire thing coming. For a moment, he felt as if he was talking to Coach Bombay, only in female form. She had a way of putting things into perspective just as Coach did. He felt the urge to ask her if they were of relation or if she knew him, but he didn't. It didn't feel right and he didn't want to look like a fool if it turned out that she did not know whom he was talking about.  
  
"Can I see him once he wakes up?" Charlie asked.  
  
"First Dr. Kirkpatrick, the medical doctor assigned to his care, will need to check him over to make sure everything is alright in that field; and normally only family members are allowed visitation for the first 24 hours following a case like this. However, with what you have told me, I would like either myself or Dr. Kirkpatrick to be present when Mr. Banks first sees Adam after he wakes up."  
  
"Oh, okay." he replied to her answer. Charlie was about to excuse himself to go find Fulton but Dr. Bombay stopped him on his way out.  
  
"I cannot promise you for sure, but if you would like to stick around I might be able to make an exception."  
  
"Thank you, Dr. Bombay. I'll be in the waiting room, ya know, waiting."  
  
"No, thank you Charlie. I am sure Adam will thank you as well, eventually."  
  
Charlie sure hoped so.  
  
*************************************  
  
Fulton stared at the pay phone as if he were a child attempting to make his first phone call ever afraid of dialing the wrong number and feeling embarrassed. He was scared. He didn't know how to break the news to his fellow ducks without bursting into tears. He couldn't cry, not in front them. He was the tough guy, the enforcer, one half of the infamous bash brothers. Nevertheless, he felt like crying, for his teammate, okay former teammate. Sure, he wasn't as close to Adam as Charlie had been, but he still considered him, as well as all the other Ducks, a friend. Besides Adam's favorite band was Aerosmith, which was Fulton's favorite band as well, so Adam was cool in Fulton's books.  
  
Fulton sighed and picked up the telephone receiver, pushing his tears aside for the sake of the fallen Duck, his friend Adam Banks. He deposited 50 cents into the slot and dialed the first number that came to mind: 555-5511 Russ and Kenny's dorm room. He waited as the phone rang and was mentally cursing Russ and Kenny for not picking up the phone sooner.  
  
*************************************  
  
"Ring...Ring...Ring..."  
  
"Of course the phone would have to ring." hollered Russ, who after returning from dinner with his fellow 'dorm ducks', went straight to his desk to begin work on his paper. His hopes were to get the paper finished tonight so he would have the rest of the weekend to chill and go to a party that Connie's brother was having tomorrow night. He rolled his eyes, put down his pen, and grabbed the phone.  
  
"You'd better have a good explanation for disrupting me or I'm gonna to have to open a can of whoop ass on your sorry hide!"  
  
"Russ, it's Fulton."  
  
"Ah Fulton 'I'm mad so I'm going to quit hockey and school' Reed." Russ laughed. "So is Charlie with you and are you phoning 'cause you two have plotted the ultimate revenge? If you have I for one don't want no part of it at least not till after this weekend."  
  
Russ heard Fulton pause before talking again. He heard worry in the man's voice as he spoke. "Russ, man, I wish it were that simple. Is Ken in the room too?"  
  
"Nah man, he, Luis, and Dwayne are all hanging out in Julie's room watching an Adam Sandler marathon on TV."  
  
"Go get them and head straight to Gateway Memorial Hospital. It's about a ten minute skate from there, go west on Jackson Street till you hit Thompson Road, and then take a right till you reach Henson Avenue take another right and the hospital will be 2 blocks from there."  
  
It was now Russ' turn to worry and he began spitting a million questions into the phone. "Fulton, what's wrong? Why should we be meeting you at the hospital? Did something happen to either you or Charlie? It's Charlie isn't it? You can't be hurt or you wouldn't be calling me, would you?"  
  
"No Charlie and I are fine. It's Adam."  
  
"Adam? What happened to Adam? Is this why we saw an ambulance over at the Varsity dorms on our way to dinner?"  
  
"Adam tried to commit suicide." Fulton replied.  
  
"What!!! You're shitting me, right?"  
  
"No, I'm serious, can you rally the rest of the 'dorm ducks' and get here ASAP."  
  
"Sure, man, give me those directions one more time." Russ listened and wrote down where to go before hanging up the phone. He grabbed his and Kenny's blades and helmets before heading out of their room, his paper being put on the back burner. His fellow duck needed him. Scholarship or no scholarship, he had more important matters to attend than his schoolwork.  
  
********************************  
  
Five down and four to go, Fulton thought to himself as proceeded to put more change in the phone and dial the next Duck that popped into his mind, Averman. It was Friday and normally Averman would be at work at his job at the movie theater. Fulton dialed the number and waited for someone to answer. A voice on the other end picked up after one ring.  
  
"Thank you for calling AMC's Mall of America Theatre, this is Les how may I help you?"  
  
"Averman is that you?" Fulton asked.  
  
"Fulton?" Averman questioned. "What are you doing calling me at work?"  
  
"Listen, Averman, do you think you can get off of work early?" Fulton pleaded.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Umm..well, I'm kinda here at the hospital with Charlie. I guess there is no easier way to put this, but Adam tried to kill himself, and I'm rallying all the Ducks to support Adam."  
  
"Oh my god." Averman said shocked. "How, why?"  
  
"I rather wait till all the Ducks are together before going into details. Can you get off or not?" Fulton replied.  
  
"Sure, I'll make up some excuse. I'll be there as soon as possible. Okay?"  
  
Fulton replied with an okay and goodbye before disconnecting their call and dialing the rest of the Ducks, Goldberg, Connie, and Guy. His conversations with them pretty much went the same way as his ones with Averman and Russ. Fulton made one final telephone call to his parents to let them know where he was. They offered to come by and sit with Fulton and the rest of the team, but he declined. He did ask them to hunt for Portman's number in his desk and give him a call letting him in on the situation and he also asked them to call Charlie's mother and let her know as well, since she would want to know where her son is and since Fulton used his last bit of change to call them. They agreed.  
  
Fulton placed the phone back into its cradle before heading back to the waiting room. He found Charlie sitting on a chair, staring off looking at nothing in particular. Fulton sat down next to him. "Well I got a hold of everyone and they will be here as soon as they can."  
  
Charlie turned to look at Fulton before speaking, "Well Dr. Bombay says normally only family visit a patient the first 24 hours, but she says she might be able to make an exception for us."  
  
"So what do we do in the mean time?" Fulton inquired.  
  
"We wait." Charlie said firmly.  
  
Waiting is what they did as they both said a silent prayer for their friend hoping that everything would be all right. 


	8. Flashback: I Made Varsity? added Aug 26

_AUTHORS NOTE: I really need you honest opinion about this chapter, especially about the last part because I just wrote it today. Funny thing is I wrote it in my car. I was walking to bum fuck Egypt to where my car was parked, after class, and the idea hit me for the latter part of this chapter. So I sat in my car for 20 minutes writing a rough copy and polished it up when I got home. _

Anycrap, to me the chapter as a whole makes since to the story but not with the flow, because as much as I tried I couldn't make it its own chapter. So this chapter is a continuation of "First day of High School." It picks up where that chapter left off. 

Adam's journal entry is in bold and most of the journal entry is courtesy of Avril Lavigne's song "I'm with you" and Creed's song "One last breath." 

Big ups to Dana for naming the last chapter. Thank you! Also big ups to Ashley for giving me a good constructive critic. Thank you! What the hay, big ups to everyone who ever reviewed or is going to review this story. So enjoy and be kind and leave a review. Later! 

******** 

Flashback: I Made Varsity!? 

"Hey Julie, sorry for the extra homework." Adam said as he and she exited the room following first period amidst all the sarcastic "nice goings" and "good job's" that he received as he walked past the other students in the class. One kid even punched him in the shoulder before telling Adam "Thanks a lot asshole." 

Julie shrugged as she followed Adam to their next class, Advanced Chemistry. "Don't worry about it Adam, math comes easy to me so I'll whip through the problems in no time. I'm just sorry you had to be embarrassed on the first day of school." 

Adam hung his head low and sighed "Yeah well, just remind me to keep my mouth shut the rest of the day." 

Julie just laughed. "Will do." 

Adam looked up and Julie smiled at him, to reassure him that it really was not that big a deal. 

It eased his mind a little. 

**************************** 

It was finally the end of the school day as Adam made his way to the hockey arena. After the incident in first period, he kept his mouth shut the rest of the day, though he wanted to voice his opinions in every class. Every class it seemed was a repeat of what he had learned last year, and every class seemed to want to pile on the homework. He had 100 problems in Algebra (thanks to him and his big mouth) 4 chapters to read and summarize, in the Odyssey, for Literature. Plus he had 10 new verbs to learn for Spanish, a two-page report on the Spanish Armada for History, an analytical essay on education in the 21st century for English, and end of chapter questions for chapters 1 and 2 in Biology. Luckily, the English paper wasn't due until Wednesday and he got most of the rest his homework done in study hall. 

He quickly changed for practice and followed the rest of the ducks onto the ice. They watched in awe at the Varsity team practice. Goldberg marveled at the size of the rink, to which Connie responded that they could play out there that it wasn't that bad. Adam had to chuckle to himself, obviously they have forgotten the summer. I mean playing on Arrowhead pond is something you would never forget regardless if you liked hockey or not. 

Charlie jarred Adam from his thoughts when he whipped out the good ol' rope and hollered 

"Hey Dwayne ready for some cowboy round up?" 

Dwayne took the rope from Charlie, as Connie spoke "Shouldn't we wait for the new coach?" 

"Duck hockey, Connie, he's going to have to get used to it sooner or later." She nodded and smiled in response as the team took off on the ice. 

Cowboy roundup was one of the only times Adam actually enjoyed being on the ice. Mainly because cowboy roundup didn't feel like hockey, but rather a group of friends having a good time. It was the only time his smiles in hockey were genuine and not forced. Adam took off to join the others but didn't skate very fast, he could almost stand still, and Dwayne still wouldn't be able to rope him. Just another thing he was good at as far as hockey. 

"Hey, Adam, I think I'm gonna get ya this time." Dwayne hollered trying his best to rope Adam into his lasso. 

"Dream on, cowboy." Adam laughed as he ducked underneath the rope escaping yet again. 

The team played around for a bit and Dwayne was able to rope Goldberg, Kenny, and Luis before an unknown voice yelled at them to stop the horsing around. 

Adam turned to the source of the voice, a young man, maybe in his early 30's and quickly recognized him as Ted Orion from the Minnesota, or rather now the Dallas Stars. He must be the new coach, Adam thought to himself, why else would he be here. 

"Now, stop this horsing around," yelled Orion. 

"Horsing around? This is how we always practice. You know having fun, funning around. Get used to it, this is how its going to be." replied the cocky voice that was unmistakenly Charlie. Bombay or no Bombay, Charlie told Adam that he was determined to keep the team going as it as been. 

Orion skated up to Charlie and stopped when he was face to face. "And you are?" 

"Charlie Conway" 

"That must be what that C on your jersey stands for because it sure in the hell doesn't stand for captain. Now give me 20 laps for your back talking." 

Harsh, Adam thought to himself while the same time thinking, oh great another Coach Riley on my hands. He almost skated off the ice immediately, but held back. The team would need him since he had experience dealing with a coach like this. 

"Now for the rest of you, drill time. Count the ladder and lets go!" ordered Orion. 

90 minutes later, an exhausted group of Ducks made their way back into the locker room slumping onto the first empty spot of bench they saw regardless if it was in front of the locker where they stored their stuff. He just sat their tired and aching as he listened to his friends grumble and complain. He wanted to join in but had no strength to mutter a word. 

Practice was brutal to say the least, and though Adam was used to it from his years as a Hawk he too was sore all over. He did, however, through all the drills, manage to catch a glimpse of the Varsity coach talking with Coach Orion and occasionally glancing at the ice in his general direction. Adam just shrugged it off for the time being. 

Just as most of the team calmed down and began to take off their gear Coach Orion stormed into the room and walked up to the bulletin board and placed a sheet of paper on it. "Eden Hall expects all their athletes to carry a C average. I believe that is a bad rule so it's B's or better or your riding the pine pony. You have 20 minutes to clear the locker room, you all have homework." 

In addition, as quickly, as he stormed in, Coach Orion stormed out. 

Connie was the first to walk to the board. "Hey you guys he posted our positions." Adam followed the rest of the team in glancing at their position but not wanting to look because he knew it would be center again as always. 

"I play left side not right," grumbled Fulton. 

"Third line, major diss." hissed Russ. 

Adam glanced down the list and noticed his name was not on it. For a moment he was kind of upset. Was Coach Orion blind to think that Adam had no skills? Couldn't be true, Adam was the best all around player on the team. Even though Adam hated the sport, would rather not play, and considered not being on the list a blessing he still voiced his disbelief. "I'm not even listed." 

Connie glanced down the list and announced "Yeah you are, Adam Banks, third line center, for Varsity." 

"I made Varsity?" Adam voice showed shock and disappointment. 

Adam slowly glanced over the list again to make sure Connie wasn't pulling a joke on him and sure enough listed in bold letters: 

**BANKS, ADAM THIRD LINE CENTER: VARSITY  
SEE VARSITY COACH WILSON AFTER PRACTICE. **

He didn't even bother to shower, or change first but instead, left the locker room to find Coach Wilson. He found the coach's office at the end of the hallway. Adam lightly knocked on the door and the coach motioned him in. 

"Adam," he began "Welcome to Varsity." He handed Adam a folder "Inside you will find a listing of rules of the Varsity team, and schedules for practices and games. In case, you did not know you will be required to move into the dorms due to the practice schedule. You have until next Monday to move in, so you will also find your room assignment inside the folder." 

Adam made his way back to the locker room where the other Ducks were just about finished getting ready to leave. He felt awful. He thought at least if he had to suffer, playing hockey it would be with his friends. 

Guy sat down next to Adam as Adam began to take off his padding. "Hey, Adam kinda sucks that you're not on the team with us, but at least you don't have to put up with the asshole coach of the century. Charlie wasn't even named captain how harsh is that? He's just a washed up has been who couldn't hack it in the big time." 

Adam almost wanted to yell how miserable he felt right now, and that the teams petty attitude with Coach Orion pales in comparison to what he is going through right now and the day he's had; but he didn't. "Yeah well it does suck majorly, but what can I do? I'm going to take a shower before heading home no need for you all to wait up." 

"Alright man, later." 

As he was about to go enter the shower area Charlie stopped him. "Hey, Banks congratulations on making Varsity. Just goes to show you that indeed money means everything at this school." 

Adam sensed a hint of jealously and resentment in Charlie's tone, but just shrugged it off. Charlie was probably still angry about what happened at practice. Adam just sighed and watched the team exit the locker room before jumping into the shower. 

******************* 

VARSITY, Adam thought, his mind was still reeling on the fact that he had made the varsity team. He knew he was good, his father made sure of that, but still he was being forced to attend a school he didn't want to go to or play a sport that he didn't really care he at least wanted to be able to play on the same team as his friends. Though, once his dad finds out that he made varsity, which he sure will, there will be no convincing him to let him play for JV. The only plus side to the whole situation, was getting to move into the dorms, away from his father. 

Adam slowly skated his way home, not in any rush to get there. He felt like being alone, which is why he told the other Ducks to not wait up for him. They didn't mind leaving him either, as they were too busy grumbling about the tyrant of a coach that they have to put up with. At least they were putting up with him together; he on the other hand, had his own tyrant of a coach and a team to deal with all alone. It was like being a Hawk all over again. 

"Could my life get any worse?" Adam yelled aloud to no one looking up at the sky to which he noticed rain clouds. By that time, he was skating up his street, and indeed his life could get worse at least for the time being. There sitting in the driveway was his father's car. Adam checked his watch and saw that it was only 5 and his dad wasn't due home till 6. 

"Well so much for some time alone." He huffed as he skated up the driveway and onto the front stoop to remove his skates before entering the house to face his father. 

He opened the front door and walked in. He heard his father call him from the den. "Adam, is that you, son?" 

Adam rolled his eyes, who else would it be? 

"Yeah dad it's me." 

Phillip Banks came into view carrying the paper he had been reading. He was smiling just as he had this morning, which freaked Adam out but he kept silent. 

"So, tell me, how was hockey practice?" 

Adam just shrugged as he walked into the kitchen to grab an apple out of the fruit basket. His dad was not far behind. He didn't want to go into details with his father because he was sure Phillip would find it all out in time. "It was okay." 

"Just okay, is that all? I'm sure something exciting happened." Phillip prodded winking his eye. 

Adam wondered if his dad already knew. Maybe he called Coach Wilson, or Coach Wilson called him. He mentally debated weather just to let tell him about Varsity, since he probably did already know. 

"Alright, I made Varsity." 

"That's great, son." Phillip responded with a fake surprise in his voice. 

It clicked. A light went off in Adam's head. The chipper attitude, the smiles, the laughs, his dad knew this morning that he was going to make Varsity. He just had to know. 

"You bought my way onto Varsity?" Adam questioned, his voice conveying shock that his father could stoop that low. It shouldn't surprise Adam if Phillip did. His father always had arrogance about being better than everybody else just for the pure reason that he had more money. 

Phillip just laughed. "I did not buy your way onto the Varsity team. I merely gave them the head's up to your ability and told them how your talent would be wasted playing on Junior Varsity. You should thank me." 

"Thank you? Thank you?" Adam was livid. He couldn't comprehend why his father was doing this to him. He wanted to yell, make his feelings known, not just about Varsity, but about everything. Instead he kept his feelings inside because was too afraid to stand up to his father, afraid to tell him about his emotional pain, his distaste for hockey, his distaste for life. 

"Non of my friends made Varsity." Adam complained. 

"You do not need them son. They were just holding you back." 

Adam couldn't believe what he was hearing. He knew his father thought of the Ducks as nothing more than trash, even Julie and Luis, whose father's were doctors; but it seemed that Phillip had finally accepted his friends after bringing home the gold this summer from Los Angles. I guess not. Some things will never change. 

"Well, anyways, with or without my help you probably would have made varsity on your own." Phillip added. "I'm leaving tonight on a business trip, its only an overnight trip, I'll be back tomorrow night. There is left over roast warming in the oven for your dinner." 

Phillip and Adam heard a car honk. "There is my cab now. Adam be good and if you have any problems the number to my hotel is on the desk in the den." 

Adam watched as his father grabbed his overnight bag and carryon before exiting the house and into the waiting yellow taxi that quickly sped off towards the airport. He felt defeated as he always had after a conversation with his father. 

Adam couldn't take it anymore. He had to get out and clear his mind, to think, so he slipped on his skates and just took off to nowhere in particular. 

************************************** 

Adam was only out skating for five minutes when it started to rain. It was nothing heavy, just a light drizzle. 

"What a great way to end a dismal day." he thought to himself. 

Instead of turning back and going home, he made a decision as to where he wanted to go, turned around, and started skating in the opposite direction. 

Suddenly there was a clap of thunder. This startled Adam but he just stopped skating for a moment looked up to the sky as it began to rain a little harder. He yelled to emphasize his earlier thought, "What a fuckin' great way to end my fucking terrible day." 

He started skating faster and within another five minutes he reached his destination, Coopers Bridge. He skated up the hill of the bridge but instead of skating down to the other side, he stopped and took his blades off and sat down so his bare feet were dangling off the side. Despite the rain, it was still a bit light outside. 

Looking around Adam gazed upon the hill where he would sneak and hide between the pine trees every Wednesday during his time as a Hawk. This was where he watched the Ducks, or rather District 5 attempt to play hockey. He glanced over to the pond and noticed one lone duck, his bill and head bowed, most likely trying to shelter his eyes from the rain but that didn't stop Adam from saying "I wonder if he feels as depressed as I do right now." 

Adam now turned his gaze downwards looking towards the ground and again spoke aloud to himself "It's only about 6 feet down, not that far. Still if I were to jump I could end my misery once and for all." He reached to his left and picked up his journal that he placed there for the time being. He was for a mere second glad he remembered it on his way out the door. He opened to the next empty page, pulled a pen out of his pocket, and began to write, even though with the rain the ink ran together making a little hard to read. By this time, it had gotten dark and was pouring rain but still there was a lone street lamp giving him enough light to see. 

**I'm standing on the bridge. I'm waiting in the dark. There's nothing but the rain. No footsteps on the ground, I'm listening but there's no sound. Isn't anyone trying to find me? Won't somebody come take me home? It's a damn cold night, trying to figure out this life, won't you take me by the hand take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are but I'm with you. **

I'm looking for a place. I'm searching for a face. Is anybody here I know? Cause nothing's going right, and everything's a mess and no one likes to be alone. 

Why is everything so confusing? Maybe I'm just out of my mind. Yeah. Yeah. 

Adam stopped and took a shaky, shuddering breath before continuing his writing. 

**Please come now I think I'm falling. I'm holding on to all I think is safe. It seems I found the road to nowhere and I'm trying to escape. I yelled back when I heard thunder, but I'm down to one last breath, and with it let me say. Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking, maybe six feet ain't so far down. **

Adam stopped when he realized that he just wrote the opening lines to Creed's song "One last breath". He flipped to the next blank page knowing now what he had to do to end his misery. 

**I guess Scott Stap is good for something. *lol* I mean his song "One last breath" is almost fitting to what I am feeling right now but at least he realizes his mistake by the end of the song, I don't so, I have to do this. It's the only way out. Good-bye to who ever reads this, may I go to a better place away from this hell on earth. **

Adam Robert Banks. 

He once again read over what he wrote and started to get choked up. It was a mixture of sadness and happiness. He knew this was the only to escape the misery that was his life and he knew that what he was about to do would finally leave him at peace. Adam placed his journal down and took a deep breath. He stood on the ledge and placed his hands where he had been sitting to steady himself. He stood there for what seemed like hours the rain pouring down on him as he heard another clap of thunder this time followed by a bolt of lightning but really was just mere minutes before he made his final decision. He sat back down, brought his knees to his chest and hugged himself as he started sobbing. 

He had chickened out. 


	9. READ ME BEFORE READING CH 10

Okay here is the deal. I don't have a beta reader! *lol* So when I was reading over chapter 9 having already posted it over at ff.net, I found one mistake and its a big one in my opinion. The rest of the "in the present chapters" are written as if they are taking place on a Friday. Chapter 9 was written as if it took place earlier in the week. You can't have conflicting time problems. So I fixed that. I also made changes to why Dean tried to kill himself and changed the end of the chapter. It will make for a much better and interesting story when I start my Dean Portman story. 

So if you don't reread the chapter that is okay, you won't be lost later in this story when Adam and Portman meet up and have a talk. Oops I just gave something away *grins*. But what I've rewritten gives you a really great preview of the Dean story I am going to write, so if you are interested in that you would probably want to reread the chapter. 

Later! I have to go to class and hopefully I'll find a beta reader so this doesn't happen again. 


	10. Dean Portman different from the one I ad...

AUTHOR NOTES: 

If you have any ideas how to work Bombay into the story besides just having a Duck call him, email me. I have a few, but I would like my reader's input. If I end up using all or part of your idea, you will get credit. 

Adam's email courtesy of the following songs: Avril Lavigne "Too Much to Ask"; Alien Ant Farm's ""Sticks and Stones" "Flesh and Bone", and "Movies" 

************************** 

"Hey everyone's favorite son and brother is home!" Dean called out as he entered his Chicago suburban home that he obviously shared with the rest of his family. Dean's family consisted of himself, his mom Shelia, a pediatric nurse, his dad Richard, a middle school principal, and of course the twins Lindsey and Allison. Though they got on his nerves more often than not, he adored his 10 -year old sisters and loved them dearly. 

"Hi, sweetie." His mom greeted him as he made his way into the kitchen dumping his book bag on a nearby chair. "How was your day?" 

"It was alright. Ended up getting a B on that Algebra test I thought I bombed; went to my doctor's appointment as usual. Oh, and little Josh Thomas scored his first goal today." 

Despite only being, 15 years old Portman helped coach the local peewee hockey team, "The Mighty Giants". Dean himself didn't play for a team anymore. The peewee league only went up to the 8th grade and his high school didn't have a team. He was content, however, coaching and had a blast teaching the little 6 year olds how to skate and play. Part of him, though missed playing and he almost regretted not accepting that scholarship to Eden Hall, he had his reasons for staying in Chicago. The Ducks thought it was because Bombay was no longer their coach, and while that was one reason, he had others that his friends did not know about and Dean didn't want them to know about, like his visits to the doctor, because they might think less of him and he didn't want to loose their friendship. He couldn't loose their friendship. 

"That's great" Sheila beamed, "I knew that extra one on one coaching you gave him would pay off." 

Portman nodded as he grabbed an apple out of the refrigerator 

"Oh Dean, they are short staffed at the hospital tonight so I'm needed there and your dad has a school board meeting, could you watch your sisters for me? Allison's already had dinner but there is chicken salad sandwiches for you and Lindsey." 

"Where are the twins anyway?" Dean questioned. "The house is too quiet." 

Shelia laughed as she kissed her son on the cheek before heading towards the front door. "Allison is upstairs in her room and Lindsey is still at dance class, Mrs. Tyler will bring her home. Your dad should be home about 8:30 so your Friday is not a total washout" 

"Bye Mom." Portman waved as he grabbed his bag and headed upstairs to get a head start on his homework, since it wasn't much and it would leave him with the rest of his weekend free. He stopped off by Allison's room to see what she was up to and saw her sitting at her desk also working on homework. 

"Oh did mom tell you?" Allison asked. 

"Tell me what?" 

"Her and dad are letting me and Lindsey have a slumber party tommorrow night." She grinned. 

Dean rolled his eyes. "Oh great that is just what I need a squealing gaggle of girls." 

Allison stuck out her tongue; "You know you love it when we blast NSYNC and Backstreet Boys all through the house." 

"I forgot. Oh Justin, how you make my heart melt like butter." Portman swooned making kissing noises towards the Justin Timberlake poster his sister had hanging over her bed. 

Allison giggled and Portman laughed. "Remind me, Ally, to be anywhere but here this weekend." 

"Good, we don't want you here anyway." She countered. 

Dean pretended to be hurt. "I'm shocked that you wouldn't want your handsome, good looking brother around. Just for that I'll stay home and blast some Korn or Ozzy to disrupt your fun." 

Allison's jaw dropped. "No you can't do that." 

Portman snickered and walked down the hallway to his room calling out "Ah don't worry, I'll be good this weekend." 

He shut his door and threw his bag on his bed. He decided to check his email before tackling tonight's studies. He was lucky enough to have his own computer instead of having to fight the other four members of the house for the use of the one in the family room. After typing in his user name and password, he clicked on the mail icon and noticed he had three new messages. There was one from his cousin Trent, letting him know he had an extra ticket to the Metallica concert in two weeks. The next was a newsletter from an online music club he belonged to. The last message, oddly enough, was from Adam. Though being teammates over the summer, Adam and Dean really haven't kept in touch and really wasn't that close, however Dean still considered him a friend and blamed both of their shyness for the distance. Yes, Mr. Bash Brother; Mr. Tough Guy, Mr. Enforcer had a shy side to him and wasn't as tough as everyone made him out to be. He was just confident. 

He opened up the email, somewhat eager as to what ol' Banksie had to say. He noticed it was addressed to all the Ducks as he recognized their various email addresses. 

**It's the first time I've felt this lonely. Wish someone would cure this pain. It's funny when you think it's going to work out. Can't find where I am, lying here alone in fear. Afraid of the dark. **

Time is collapsing in my head. I built all the walls you can't come in. I highly doubt this thing would last. Sticks and stones, they hurt when you shoot them through the phone, and dragged my name through dirt. And it hurts to be left here all alone. 

This moisture slides down my eyes. It glistens. It glistens. There's nowhere left to go now. Everything that we had is gone. I'm torn between halos, demons; and I have to choose. 

Remember. 

You won't cry. I won't scream. 

Adam. 

Portman wondered to himself, what in the world is the meaning of this message? He sat there for a minute pondering, as he sent a reply back to Adam asking what in the world he meant by his email. Right as he pressed the send button, it dawned on him as the underlying meaning of the email flashed before him as his body started to shake. 

"Oh, Adam, no, it's not worth it, believe me," he silently pleaded to the computer monitor running his hand through his hair seeing the scar on his wrist, remembering last year when tried to take his own life. 

Yes Dean had tried to kill himself. He couldn't tell you exactly tell you why. It was a combination of things. First, his dad got his promotion to principal. His new job required him to work longer hours, which meant more time away from home and away from his kids and with his mom also working they rarely had time for their kids. The time they did spend was spent mainly with the twins. It wasn't that Richard and Sheila didn't love their son, far from it; they loved all three of his kids equally, or that he ignored Dean on purpose. It was that Allison and Lindsey were younger and still demanded more time and attention. In Dean's mind, he felt as if his parents didn't care. Second, his best friend, Ben, died from Leukemia and Dean felt bad for not being there for his friend because he was too busy wallowing in pity over his own trival problems. It got so bad, there would be days he refused to look at himself in the mirror because he hated what he saw. Some days it was a struggle to get out of bed and face reality. One day he had slit his wrist with an attempt to end his pain. It explained why Dean had a scar on his wrist and why he visited a doctor, or rather a psychologist once every other week. It also explained the main reason why he stayed in Chicago instead of heading to Minneapolis; he didn't want to disrupt his stability, his comfort zone. For the most part his life felt content, but sometimes he still had days were he feels like giving up. 

Of course, he didn't know the circumstances around Adam's attempt, but he knew that what ever the reason, just like him, Adam probably felt that suicide was the only solution. 

Portman was jarred from his thoughts when he heard someone knocking on his door. 

"Come in Ally." he called. 

In walked his other sister, identical to Allison except she had blue eyes whereas Lindsey had brown. "I'm not Ally, I'm Lindsey." 

"Oh I didn't hear you come home." 

"Just did." Lindsey responded, "Any way, you have a phone call, it's Mrs. Reed, Fulton's mom." She tossed the cordless phone to her brother before heading down to her room to study her spelling words since she had to get her homework done before her party tomorrow. 

"Hello." 

"Hi Dean, how are you?" 

"Fine." Portman had never met Fulton's parents since he's never been to Minneapolis, but has exchanged many a pleasantry with them from calling Fulton on the phone. "What's up? Is everything alright?" Dean took a shaky breath, the last thing Portman needed right now was to hear that something else was wrong with one of his other fellow ducks. 

"Honey, it's your friend Adam...." 

Dean cut her off, "He tried to kill himself didn't he?" 

"Yes, he did." Mrs. Reed responded, "How did you know?" 

"Well I guess he sent me a suicide note via email. Is he okay?" Dean braced for the worse. 

"No, yes, I don't know. Fulton called John and I and informed us that he was in the hospital and that he was still alive but didn't know anymore details." 

Portman breathed a sigh of relief; at least he was still alive. However, the confirmation that Dean just received pained him, as he never wanted to have any of his friends and family go through what he went through. He fought back tears. "Please if you hear anything else, call me." 

"I will, bye." 

Dean turned off the phone. It was too much for him to take, after his tumultuous year, he couldn't bear going through something like this again, even if it was one the other end. Though he couldn't just turn his back on the situation, like he did with Ben. He had to do something, but what? He dialed his father's cell phone and prayed that he would pick up. He really needed to talk to someone. 

"Hello." bellowed the voice on the other end. 

"Dad." Dean's quivered. 

"Son, what is the matter? Something's wrong? Talk to me." Richard begged hearing the tears in his son's voice. 

The dam broke, and Portman started sobbing into the phone. "Dad...it's...it's my...my friend Adam. He...he...he...tried to...k...k...kill himself." 

"Whoa, sport, take a deep breath and repeat that." 

Dean did as he was told, and this time calmer said, "It's my friend Adam. He tried to kill himself." 

"Oh, son, it will be okay." Richard reassured, not knowing what else to say since he never met any of Dean's Duck friends, but deciding to skip the board meeting knowing that family was more important and that his son really needed him now and didn't want Dean to fall into a depression over this. 

"I don't know what to do dad?" Dean sniffed. "I'm in Chicago and he's all the way in Minnesota. I need to be there for him, I know what he is going through." 

"Dean, I know. How about I arrange for you to go to Minneapolis, you know that Adam is going to need a lot of support to get him through this. I'm on my way home and we'll talk about this, okay. It will be alright." 

Dean nodded and said goodbye, he tossed the phone onto the bed next to his bag. His homework forgotten about. He turned and gazed towards the framed picture of the team he had on his wall, next to his Pantera poster. 

He looked at Adam's face and thought back to the summer. He remembered how Adam never really enjoyed himself as much as the others and always seemed he would have rather been anywhere but there. 

"Why Adam, why?" he sniffed trying his best to stop crying but finding it difficult. 

There was another knock on the door but before Dean could answer the twins rushed in. 

"We heard you crying, are you okay?" asked Allison. 

Dean wiped his eyes and smiled to reassure his sisters. "Yeah, I'm fine. A friend of mine is going through something bad right now though. I'm a little shaken up, but don't worry about me." 

Lindsey wasn't convinced, "But, we do worry. I don't want to loose you" she said sheepishly. 

Both girls were still kind of shook up over what happened last year, especially Lindsey, who had found Dean after he slit his writs, and were quick to comfort their older brother when ever he was the slightest bit upset. 

Allison hugged her brother, "You look like you could use one of these right now." 

He did and he was grateful to get it as he returned it looking at Lindsey, who looked frightened at the moment, afraid that her brother would try to kill himself again and this time be successful. He broke from his hug with Allison and went over to Lindsey. He stooped to her level, since he was about 10 inches taller and hugged her. Lindsey laid her head on his shoulder. Dean kissed his sister on top of her head before whispering to her "Don't worry I'll never try anything stupid again. I'll be around for a long time; you can't get rid of me that easy." 

Lindsey just laughed and hugged her brother tighter. 


End file.
